What You Can Still Lead When You Can’t Change the Outcome
There are moments in life where everything you’ve built your identity around gets tested.
Not gradually.
Not over time.
All at once.
For me, it happened in a hospital room in London.
A close friend of mine, one of my best friends, had been attacked at an event.
What should have been a normal evening ended in something none of us could process at the time.
I had spoken to him just hours before. He was excited about the Blackberry corporate event he was attending (Jessie J was headlining).
Then suddenly, he was on life support.
What followed over the next three to four days was one of the most intense periods of my life.
There were seven of us initially.
A close group, friends for over three decades.
A band of brothers in every sense.
But intensity changes people.
Some couldn’t stay.
Not because they didn’t care, but because they couldn’t carry it. They felt they would be better at home, with their family and leave my friends, to grieve privately.
Four of us remained.
And in that room, something became very clear, very quickly.
I couldn’t control the outcome.
For most of my life, I had built everything around control.
Set the goal.
Do the work.
Find a way.
I genuinely believed, and still believe, that if you want something badly enough, you can move towards it. Shape it. Influence it.
But not this. Not this time.
No decision.
No effort.
No connection.
No expertise.
Nothing was going to change what was coming, and due to it being the ultimate sacrifice, there would be no reversal. It was the end.
That realisation broke something in me.
There was a moment, stood several floors up, looking out of the large glass window over London, where the intensity of it all became overwhelming.
I didn’t want to be in that room anymore.
I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling.
But then something shifted. Not instantly, but after an hour or two.
Not emotionally.
Practically.
If I couldn’t control the outcome…
What could I control? My natural leadership skills and training was starting to kick in. I was regaining my composure, regaining my control.
His wife was there.
In shock.
Faced with decisions no one should ever have to make.
Doctors needed answers.
Time mattered.
Every decision carried weight, not just in that moment, but for the rest of her life and the lives of their children.
That’s when I realised where I needed to be.
I couldn’t save my friend.
But I could lead in that room.
So I did.
Not in any formal sense.
No title.
No plan.
Just instinct.
Holding space.
Helping her process what was being said.
Slowing things down where needed.
Supporting decisions around life support.
Supporting decisions around organ donation; decisions made under pressure, with time running out.
Not taking over.
Not directing.
But being there, fully.
Looking back, that’s the moment that has stayed with me most.
Not just the loss itself, as painful as that was.
But the shift.
From trying to control something I couldn’t…
To focusing entirely on what was still within reach.
I don’t know if I helped… I felt like I did and it certainly helped me to accept the inevitable.
Because most people misunderstand control.
They think it’s about outcomes.
It isn’t.
Control is about where you place yourself when outcomes are no longer yours to decide.
This aligns closely with Stephen Covey’s Circle of Influence concept, which emphasises directing energy towards what can be influenced rather than what cannot. A principle consistently linked to higher effectiveness and reduced stress in leadership contexts.
I see this now in the people I work with.
Different context.
Different stakes.
But the same pattern.
High performers who are used to driving results.
Shaping direction.
Holding everything together.
Until they hit something they can’t force.
Uncertainty.
Complexity.
Situations where effort doesn’t immediately translate into outcome.
Research from Harvard Business Review highlights that leaders who over-index on control in uncertain environments often experience reduced decision quality and increased cognitive strain. Similarly, studies referenced in Financial Times and Forbes point to the risks of “control bias”, where the need to maintain control leads to poorer judgement under pressure.
Because when control disappears, something else has to take its place.
Clarity.
Presence.
Judgement.
That experience didn’t give me simple answers.
But it did change how I think about control, and where I choose to apply it.
There is growing evidence, including work published in BMJ and broader behavioural research, that acceptance of uncontrollable outcomes, combined with purposeful action, is linked to improved psychological resilience and clearer decision-making under stress.
At his funeral, a colleague said something that has stayed with me ever since:
‘All he ever wanted to do was get back to his family’
That puts things into perspective in a way no leadership book ever will.
You don’t get to choose every outcome.
But you do get to choose how you show up when it matters.
And in those moments, the ones that don’t ask permission,
that’s where leadership actually lives.
Related Insights
If this resonates, you may also find these perspectives useful:
- The Loneliness of Senior Leadership: The Part No One Prepares You For
- The Spotlight Effect: Why High Performers Struggle When Everyone Is Watching
- The Hidden Cost of Being Too Capable
References
- Covey, S. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People — Circle of Influence framework
- Harvard Business Review — Decision-making under uncertainty and leadership pressure
- Financial Times — Leadership and cognitive bias in high-pressure environments
- Forbes — The risks of overcontrol in leadership decision-making
- BMJ — Stress, resilience, and behavioural response under pressure
I’m Laurence Loxam – I’ve pushed limits in business, on mountains, and at the finish line.
Now I help elite professionals do the same, pushing past the point most people stop.
I coach CEOs, doctors, lawyers, and founders who’ve hit success, but still feel there’s more.
Together, we unlock clarity, sharpen confidence, and lead with conviction.
loxamconsultingltd.org
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